Sunday, 30 May 2010

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time

I know I was at the movie... Was I kidnapped by aliens who left me with one of Fox Mulder’s missing-time blanks in my head? That would be kinda cool. That must be why I can’t remember a damn thing about whatever movie it was. But wait... I have the ticket stub. Ah, yes! It was Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time.

I saw Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time? Why can’t I remember anything about it?

...

Something’s coming back... Oh, yeah: Jake Gyllenhaal. He’s cute. He’s really cute. [erg.so gay] But how could he be a Persian prince? That’s just silly. And why did he -- yes, yes, this I remember -- why did he have an English accent? He’s not English. Ancient Persians didn’t speak English. Jake’s accent is surprisingly good, in fact. Could I have been so blinded by Jake’s supercuteness and the fact that his accent actually pushed my Anglophile button -- instead of making me groan in sympathetic embarrassment for him -- which I blanked on the rest of the movie?

No, that can’t be. He’s not that cute.

Wait: I took notes...

Oh, right! Now I’m remembering. Not that there’s much to remember. Generic Videogame Action Movie, Exotic Ethnic Locale Type. It’s about a dagger, sand, time, brothers, snakes, blah, blah, blah. And the characters are merely archetypes: Prince, Princess, King, Brothers, Villain, Comic Relief. Not exactly offensive, as such, just sort of rote and tired before it even gets started. Hard to write about, in fact, because there’s hardly to be there.

For a while, as I sat there being bored out of my skull, I tried to find a videogame angle to latch on to for my review: You know, “In the Valley of the Slaves level, watch out for thrown knives” and “During the Hassansin attack at the Sanctuary, don’t stop to kiss the Princess unless you want to get killed.” That got old really fast, and stopped being fun about half an hour in. [But, seriously, though: If you play the game in Banter Mode, trade quips with the Princess will build up your Parkour Power. Then try hit the B button while jumping to get extra power in your leaps.] *game review said

None of the characters ever connect with the audience. I’m tempted to say that the film is like Pirates of the Caribbean with no Jack Sparrow but that actually sounds more entertaining than this mess. So, bring a joystick to this big budget adventure. It’ll give your hands something to do when you’re restless.

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